Since my blog’s been private, I’ve received dozens of invitation requests. Most of them were from y’all but I got a few from the “We’ve never met, but…” crew. Call me a softie but those are the ones that have pained me the most.
It’s, like, so much of what this world has been about for me is trust. You trust me with this secret part of yourself. I trust you to respect me in my role as the dominant. You trust me to keep you safe. I trust you to do the same.
And now, that’s all kinda gone.
I’d had plans to play with a couple of people before all this crap happened. Instead, I met one for dinner, another for a coffee. I sat with the fellow over dinner, on the verge of tears again as I realized how this was something I was once so comfortable with and so much enjoyed and was always just so damn sure of myself … and now I had no idea what to think.
Over coffee a week or so later, the other prospective play partner was showing me all his identification papers and travel documents. “See? Do you trust me now?” he asked.
“Nope,” I said.
Sucks.
I used to hate Chicago. I appreciate it so much more now.
I wish I was there, though, to give out cupcakes and hugs.
Thinking of you.
x
C
Thank you for sharing this perspective with us. It is great to read something that feels real regarding what has been going down.
I don’t intend this to be “wisdom” of any sort but, rather, a kind of commiseration from where I stand on this whole crazy continuum. I know you already know all this anyway.
Risk and trust are classic yins to each others’ yangs. A need to trust implies the presence of risk. Risk comes in so many forms. Some are outright absurd but most offer some sort of potential for growth, fun, enjoyment, enrichment, gratification. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as it were.
We trust our judgment. We trust other people. We trust ourselves. We trust our luck.
Lately, when it comes to the normal need to trust new people in this realm, the risk and the dreadful spectrum of negatives that it can bring, is simply, undeniably, and profoundly “not worth it”.
I’m sad for you. I’m sad for myself. I’m sad for those who will miss out meeting/knowing/experiencing you.
I’m waiting for the cable guy at the moment. Sound like deja vu all over again? So I thought I had two choices in the meantime while I’m waiting: watch the stock market or watch freebie trailers on kink.com. Instead, I chose to come here and contribute (if that is the correct word for what I did). Perhaps now I will go to kink.com and peruse the newest trailers….
I guess when one has something to do with the destruction of a trust it can be more understandable if no less painful. But where you are blameless, the feeling of powerlessness is really corrosive.
Powerful people feeling powerless is very hard.
Sucks … sorry. Glad yer still writin’ though. Even if ya are rippin’ Aarkey off.