My dear friend and colleague in kink, Mistress Wynter, wrote a really great blog post recently about toeing that line between telling you everything and telling you “everything.” In her post, she candidly acknowledged the difference between what you want to know and what she honestly wants to talk about, between the image we, as prodommes, feel we must project and who we really are. I started replying to her in the comments section of her post, but after about 400 words, I figured maybe I needed to work this out on my own page.
Over the years, I’ve talked with a lot of dommes about how we manage the line between public and private: the things with share about our selves with our clients, on our websites and the personal details we fiercely protect. Some dommes choose to project a fantasy persona: sometimes a blank canvas for the audience to project their own desires and fantasies onto, other times a very specific voice and identity — a character, really — that may or may not be aligned with how she identifies herself. One domme told me, “My ad says nothing. My site reveals very little. I’m not even wearing any clothes in my pictures.” She says she invites her clients to imprint their fantasies on her, so she can use that to her advantage, choosing when to be their fantasy or not.
“You really put yourself out there, Troy!” these women tell me but being a fantasy domme was never a viable option for me, if only because I have too much pesky ego. Yet, thinking about all the things I don’t say — or show — I feel I’m on the conservative end of revelations and exposure by the ProDomme measuring stick.. I look at some of the True Confessionals that pass for some prodomme blogs and the quotidian bitchiness of others’ Twitter feeds — not to mention my fully-clothed facelessness and don’t feel “out there” at all. But I think what my friends mean is that I talk about my self a fair amount: what I like to do that’s not kink-related as well as the things I’m thinking about, like what I love about this work as well as what I find challenging or emotionally really hard. I’ve talked openly about what I really want — as a dominant/woman — what I’m passionate about, what I struggle with. And while those things are factual, true, and ME, it’s a selective discussion: considered, edited, calibrated.
Even so, it’s not uncommon at all for people who read my blog/Twitter/MF posts or have listened to my Masocast — whether they’ve played with me or not — to comment about how much I reveal about myself or draw conclusions about who I am. (Got one of those emails while writing this post, in fact.) It’s always a startling reaction, especially when it starts with something like, “Well, Troy, I think you’re…” as if there’s no gap between my actual human self and the compilation he’s formed based on a public, professional identity created via various social media and electronic exchanges.*
Can you imagine what that feels like? It would almost be as if I used your emails, session conversation, and play behavior after 2-3 sessions to draw conclusions about what kind of father I think you are…and then told you. Because of course my opinion about your parenting skills matters.
It’s fascinating to me how many — definitely not all, perhaps not even most — men — and I do think this is a privilege predominantly exercised by men, particularly in this specific relationship between Prodomme and client/audience — are so vested in knowing who we dommes are and what we do in our private lives, from “Are you lifestyle?” to “What did you do on your vacation?” The real truth is, you think you want to know about us, but you don’t really want to know. Who can say what little detail you discover will end up being the one that tumbles us from the pedestal? What you DO want to know is what I want to tell you. It’s okay for there to be that boundary and having it doesn’t lessen our connection or make what goes on between us any less real or authentic.
I understand that for people for whom BDSM is a secret or very compartmentalized part, there’s something extraordinarily compelling about being able to share their kink with someone in a way that allows them to be their whole self and so they want to feel they know their play partner’s whole self as well. But, as a domme friend says,”Your desire to know or need to be in my personal life does not supersede my right to decide if or when I allow you in it.”
Hmmmm…. Thoughtful, well written and thought provoking. Thank you
@furfan
Thank you! This thing took me about two months to write (half of it came from a previous, unpublished draft). I’m still thinking about about it myself.
@advochasty
I’m always fascinated by the play partners who are guarded/anonymous with me. Seems like if there was any context where a man could really open up all of himself, it’d be with me…and I don’t understand why some/more don’t take advantage of that luxurious (and therapeutic!) privilege. Regardless, I value and respect whatever level of confidence my play partners extend to me and expect the same consideration in return.
@nips
It’s a fundamental lesson, isn’t it? Shame that some people missed class that day.
@RNJ
There are some clients who actually prefer dommes who can easily be that fantasy figure they’ve always wanted and there are others, like you, who seek engagement with a person who genuinely shares his interests, kink and otherwise. The former is no more (or less) of a “gimmick” or “marketing” trick than the latter. I’m grateful for the role players, archetypes (“ice queen,” “vixen bitch,” “mommy,” etc.), glamour dommes, and fantasy mistresses who can expertly and enthusiastically service the fetishists, slaves, sissies, sluts, etc. cause if I had to, NOBODY would be happy. And I’m sure those fantasy dommes are thrilled that there are dommes like me out there doing all that talking and listening and connecting and feeling cause … ugh! exhausting! (which is pretty much how I feel about latex corsets and 6″ heels, so we’re even). Some of the more successful (whatever that means … I’ve been percolating a blog post about that, too) NYC dommes I know, adore, and admire fall on the “fantasy” end of the spectrum, so clearly something is working there. I’m just glad there are folks who like my flavor, too.
@whizzer
When it comes to my personal (i.e. non-MTO) details, it’s not a blurry line at all. Think of it as a velvet rope and I’m the doorman. You don’t cross the rope. I let you in when I choose. If I choose. You relish the access but the end of the night, you graciously leave. You don’t linger and explore. You don’t bypass my rope and sneak in through the kitchen. Maybe you have an open door policy with me, but that doesn’t make my rope go away. Your desire to be in my life (or, for that matter, have me in yours) does not supersede my RIGHT to decide if/when I allow you in it. It’s not a difficult concept.
I’ve pretty much come full circle from being a client who wanted complete anonymity on both sides of the paddle, to wanting to know “everything”, to now feeling like whatever she tells me is what she trusts me with and wants me to know. But I’m not really a client anymore. I’m either a friend or a submissive suitor and pressing to learn more than she’s comfortable sharing is just plain rude.
The line you all walk between the public and the private is a truly delicate dance. You have a nuanced and finely honed perspective on it. All us eager sub-dudes would do well to listen up. We’ll be better men for it.
(It’s okay for there to be that boundary and having it doesn’t lessen our connection or make what goes on between us any less real or authentic.,”Your desire to know or need to be in my personal life does not supersede my right to decide if or when I allow you in it.”). These words are so true and i for one consider it a humble privilege for you to share anything with me , As i was told many times when i was a youngster (Respect others as you would want them to respect you ), I would say that works in the ways of privacy as well .
At first I was a little disturbed reading this blog post. For me, and I suppose for many other submissive clients, BDSM is an emotional and very private activity. I do realize it is also a commercial activity as well, with limits and boundaries to be respected on both sides of the transaction. However, reading how some Dommes calculate their image made me feel more like a target than a prospective client. I don’t need or want to know details other than what a Domme chooses to share with me, nor do I need to disclose to her more than I choose to, but I would like to think that what she does disclose to me, and the style and image she conveys, is real and not trumped up as a marketing gimmick. Maybe that’s why you are as successful as you are because what you share is real and consistent. Just part of your charm, I guess.
MTO,
“Strip away the artifice.” It was one of your early tag lines. And it’s exactly what you do.
There are no Pro Domme clothes. There are no Pro Domme shoes. No Pro Domme makeup. No Pro Domme hair. No Pro Domme fake nails. No Pro Domme shrillness. Just you and the incredible organic connection you create for those who play in your wheelhouse.
When you mix in the personal information you do share through your social media and then sprinkle on top other private stuff that often comes out when together, it can all make for a pretty blurry line.
A line your play partners and potential play partners would be well served to keep very straight.
Best,
Whizzer.
Really nicely said, Troy. That supersede thing… that’s really important. I don’t know exactly why people forget that truth. I’m surprised sometimes by how demanding people can be. “But I’m fascinated by you! I want MORE of you!” I told you about the complete and utter stranger who called because he found my phone number on my (professional) website and decided to ask me out. And didn’t understand at all, after reciting me poetry and trying to convince me to date him, that he was intruding on my space. I asked him if he ever went through other random business sites looking at employee pictures and calling them just to see if they wanted to date him. “I like the look of that Professor’s pictures … I think I’ll call her job and chat her up. She won’t mind that I’m a complete stranger. She’ll be flattered!’ He still didn’t get it.
Your desire does not supersede my rights. Exactly.
MTO,
Our bottom lines are the same. Your privacy must be honored, protected and respected. Only our analysis differs.
You see a bright line. A clear, immutable concept. Were that the case, insightful posts such as this and others you (and Mistress Wynter) have written would not be necessary.
In matters of the heart things can get blurry. You create a wonderful and intensely personal connection. For that you are to complimented – never criticized. From the perspective of your play partner things may not be quite as they seem. An even stronger connection is felt. That is why these posts are so valuable and necessary.
There needs to be the occasional reminder. Never cross that velvet rope without permission. No side doors. No hiding inside after hours. Steer clear of what might seem like more of an invitation than was meant. If in doubt — ask, don’t just act!
And should you fail to abide these simple, straightforward, clear instructions — no matter the rationale — you will suffer the natural consequences. Makes sense to me.
Best,
Whizzer
Very thought provoking post. I find my self embarrassed to admit that I’m most likely one of those people who made assumptions about you as a person in a correspondence based on the publicly shared pieces of yourself here. One thing I find very interest is a parallel I see between what you’re describing and what I experience as a healthcare provider. As a physician I have a public image that patients piece together based on their experiences with me and at the same time they’re trusting me with some of the most secret and intimate details of their life. The sanctity of the physician’s relationship with the patient as far as performing medical procedures aside, the amount of trust that is put in us when discussing their history is I feel even more difficult as there is a voluntary effort required on their part to reveal things to us. The image they have of many of us is based on these interactions though, if they knew most physicians as people one would wonder if they would have the same level of trust in them. How you described keeping pieces of yourself out of your public image and how most might not want to know everything reminded me greatly of this.
One major difference other then the obvious context of the interaction is that most people are not interested in their physician’s life, where as with you the mystique piques curiosity.
Thought provoking post indeed,
A Random Kinkster
@Mistress Wynter
Yay! You posted! Thank you!
I’ve had a few occasions recently where someone mistook my website, Twitter, etc. for a Match.com ad, too (to be fair, I did once note in a Masocast that I was single and looking, so I can’t be too pissy about it. Even if it was only once. Four years ago.). I absolutely agree with you about the impropriety of that. And what do they offer us other than abject adoration and the opportunity to be a dominant woman around them? I’m not talking about materialism: more, like, OK, dude, you make it clear why you want me, but please explain why I should desire YOU. What makes you exceptional? As for the “I want MORE of you!”… I actually had a client who, over the years, wanted so much MORE of me in his life, he went from “If I wasn’t married…” to next suggesting “accidental” vanilla run-ins with his wife, THEN contemplating a professional encounter and, at the end, he told me he’d like to introduce me to his son (who’s 10+ years younger than me and still lives at home). On the one hand, this is flattering: he clearly sees me as a real (and apparently wonderful) person, not some compartmentalized fetish fantasy figure or untouchable sex worker. On the other…well, he’s really not thinking of me at all now, is he?
@SwitchMD
Hi! Welcome to my blog!
I’m often tempted to use the example of a therapist when trying to explain how the information flow is primarily and/or ideally one way but it’s an imperfect analogy because, unlike therapists, I do share personal details with my play partners more than would be appropriate for a therapist. (I don’t babble with everyone. Some people invite that. Some don’t. I adapt accordingly.). I have a therapist I see occasionally and we once spoke about how awkward it is for me to know nothing about him, even though he’s suggested that he is more free with some personal information with other patients. My theory is that because he knows my usual “power dynamic” when sitting across from a man is to try to understand who he is and what his needs are and service that, he deliberately subverts that so that I don’t go into “work mode.”
You’re right about the dynamic between a doctor and patient. I’d say how your patients perceive you is even less about your “public” image and more just the general social perception of doctors as infallible, omniscient, selfless, etc. The relationship of patient to Doctor, much like client to Dominatrix has an implicit (albeit limited, esp in the case of the Domme) foundation of trust. I remember when I first started sessioning how stunned I was that a man could and would with less than five minutes of interaction/information/contact get naked in a room with a stranger with hardly any experience and tell me his most intimate sexual fantasies that he wouldn’t dream of sharing with the woman he shares his life with. It still kinda boggles me, actually.
I wonder if the reason my clients are more curious about my personal life than they are with their physicians’ is because clients prefer to think of me as a “partner” (in crime? 😉 rather than someone just doing their job. As I said in my OP, I get that when it comes to this level of shared intimacy, you want to know about your partner. NO ONE wants to think this is “just work” for their sex provider (and if they do, it’s with resignation or bitterness) but there’s not nearly the same prejudice against the doctor who entered the profession “for the money” or because s/he was pressured into it (some parents insist…). I’m fortunate in that being a domme is a choice for me and the tremendous amount of control I have over my practice/business means that while it’s definitely WORK, it’s a job I get to love, revel in, appreciate, and CHOOSE. Every day.
@whizzer
I’ve been doing this for a long time, have played with a lot of men, and developed personal connections with many of them. I’ve never Googled any of my play partners (nor anyone I’ve dated in my personal life), not even when invited. When I check references, all I ask for is confirmation that he’s real and not a flake or harmful. I don’t ask about his scene, looks, or personality: I want to discover him for myself, face to face. Over time, should our closeness make me more curious, I ask him whatever I want to know. Call it leading by example, or just basic decency and politeness.
As Nips noted, it’s simply being respectful. I don’t see why any thoughtful human being would need a reminder for that. But I’m glad you’ve at least caught up to the same page as the rest of us.