Talk about Domme cred. My friend The Headliner invited me to the Nine Inch Nails concert Wednesday night (Aug 27) at the Izod Center (uh, the Meadowlands Arena). Me in my leather tank top, Armani jacket, pencil skirt, and sky high shoes. Early to arrive, we scored a prime spot near the front of the stage, next to the mosh pit.
I love standing among the front row faithfuls, who mouth every word, every chord on their air guitar. Last time I was in this same arena it was for opening night of Springsteen’s reunion tour with the E Street Band (1998? 99?) and I was overwhelmed, frightened even, by the torrent of raised white fists pumping Born! in the! US!A! Ten years later and I’m getting hit with the sweat from these these thrashing, snarling, muscle boys, bouncing their bodies off each other like repelling magnets and I’m not a bit afraid. In fact, I’m desperate to crash into them, feel that punch and ache and sweat and hold my own among the big dogs … then I look down at my open toes.
In these shoes? I don’t think so.
Proof I haven’t been a dominatrix all my life? Years ago I stood next to Trent during a Mardi Gras parade and hollered for beads from the passing floats. Nine Inch Nails. Rockstar god. Uh huh. I know. But also short, pale, thin, and obviously shy. Whatever, dude. Excuse me.
“Hey! Throw me something, mister!!!”
At the concert though, I drank the Smirnoff Ice and became a believer. On stage he was none of those things I saw on that St. Charles Ave. balcony. He’s buff, gorgeously lit, and clearly knows his angles. Swoon, I did.
Listening to the verses swirling around me, echoed by the crowd, I fantasized about being the kind of dominant Trent is singing about. Or to. Even the kind of Domme that has a session playlist full of NIN. I imagined myself the cold, strict bitch to whom he’d scream, “I’d rather die than give you control!” and then I’d take it from him anyway, fuck him like an animal. He’d find happiness in slavery to me.
Etc.
But, you know, I’m not that bitch. God knows I wanna be sometimes. Every time a client I adore tells me some fantasy he has about being at the mercy of a cruel, capricious woman, I wanna be that for him. Be that for ME, even. A few of the dominas I admire most are of that classic “dominatrix” style. They’ve got that steel allure. Mystery. They’re calculating and sadistic. Yet their play is still connected and genuine and intense. I admire and envy that.
I can be strict, cold, and harsh: don’t get me wrong. But when I am those things, it’s not a role. I’m not playing. It means I’ve been pushed to a bitter, defensive place that just feels ugly to me. It’s not what play or dominance means to me at all. When I’m in that punitive space, I am all too aware that my grip on my self-control is slipping. That once I start, I cannot stop myself.
When I first started domming, I struggled with what I thought a dominatrix should be like, how I thought I was expected to behave and the kind of dominant I actually was. I was the one who’d flinch and gasp sympathetically when I wrapped the flogger or caught his scrotal skin in the zipper. I was the kind that found the proud horns and drums of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” more inspirational in session than the boom and clash of NIN’s “Discipline.”
Everytime I felt the push from a client or a more popular Domme in my House to be something else, I’d try it on. Soon, I felt pinch in the waist, the tightness in the sleeves of someone else’s clothes. After a while, I realized I can’t walk in anyone’s shoes but my own.
But, uh, yeah, Trent? You like Nina Simone, too, don’t you?
Call me.
“So I’m sitting in a bar in Guadalajara. In walks a guy…”
I love that song.
I think when people are talking about cold, capricious bitches, they assume that we feel nothing while we’re playing. Are you assuming that, too? Cuz I think you can carry the vibe and walk the stereotype just fine, but that you’re thinking you have to be in a different, detached and unfeeling headspace to be able to create the “O noes! She’s so MEAN and she don’t CARE!” headspace for other people. They ain’t psychic. You’re delivering the intensity and the skills and the attitude just fine. S’what I think, anyway.
How in the world could a guy not want to give you control? If a guy is screaming “I’d rather die, than give you control”, it’s because the woman he’s singing to is undesirable.
You, however, are desirable. Even the dominant guys would give up control.
Just because you don’t wanna be Ole Iron Drawers in session doesn’t mean you can’t force submissives to listen to NIN! One of my favorite session mixes is ALL Trent.
@Saskia
Helloooooo! I’m so happy to see you here!
It’s not that I think I’m supposed to be feeling nothing; more that what I’m feeling/thinking — assuming I’m the cruel, sadistic, dominatrix bitch — is inconsistent with the activities. I’m never thinking (insert arch, hyper-enunciated voice) the bad slave must be punished; he is suffering for me. I’m usually thinking, “Ooh! Whadda I do next! Yippee!”
You’re right though. They’re not mind readers. So I should just stop smiling. And blindfold/hood them so they can’t see all the care and happy in my eyes. And stop touching them so they don’t feel it. 😉
@axe
Yeah, but I like a little fight in a man. Keeps things interesting.
@Miss E
“Ole Iron Drawers” … that’s awesome. 😀
I think avoiding the NIN tracks and their ilk is just cause I tend to create this real meditative space in my scenes. The beats are slower, the breathing conscious. Plus I think if I had that mosh music running, the extra energy might be too much for me.
Nice! I am a little older now, not sure I could take a nails concert now, mosh pits, ect… you never once wanted to find a little corner and listen to Dan Fogelberg’ same auld lang syne’on the ipod?
Well, sheesh. Trent’s 43! (And, I just discovered, he’s a Taurus, which means we’re both Earth signs which means we’re astrologically compatible!)
But I can go verse for verse with you on Fogelberg’s “Same Auld Lang Syne” mos def! Add a little Carole King? Some Bread? You can take the girl out of AC radio, but ya can’t take the AC radio out of the girl….
Sometimes you make me feel very much older than you Miss Orleans (to which you could tell me, I am)… This entry had that effect. My oldest son first told me about this moshing stuff and I couldn’t figure it out…sounded to me like the beginnings of a brawl is all. I’d need to stay in the private balcony and avoid this kind of stuff…I can see you tusslin’ and bumpin’ though.
Onward…”I imagined myself the cold, strict bitch to whom he’d scream, “I’d rather die than give you control!” and then I’d take it from him anyway, fuck him like an animal. He’d find happiness in slavery to me.” The word that stands out for me here is “animal”…in my servitude to a woman, it’s this primal context that hits me between the eyes…it’s my strength under her reign and reins…slavery just happens to come along with that power and control.
Ever since I’ve known you, the Dominatrix, you’ve drawn this line between punitive, cruel sadistic and whatever it is you are. With no label for it, I remain a bit confused, but I can tell you that while it’s been some time, my recollection was that you were every bit as punishing as I could handle. Perhaps, it’s just a matter of degrees and how far you could take it and for that, I for one am glad you did not ever lose control.
PS from PK, that bondage/foot pic is you know…a tongue wagger…thanks for sharing it…I recognize that strong, sweet foot.
I think this will all come around into a nice circle.
You know I don’t read your blog enough which surprises me because thats what drew me to you in the first place – your writing. Which leads me to say that I probably would not have chosen to session with you based on what I perceived as your style and interests. I am drawn on one extreme to the cold hard domme you describe and then on the other hand I still love that tease and denial more sensual style. But I chose you and I knew from the first session that you are the real thing and so damn good at what you do and the whole package of skills and personality that I can think of no one else I would rather be with. Its natural to be introspective and think about doing things in other ways but your style, if style is the right term, is just perfect. I love feeling that fear and apprehension in session and I like alot of things that I might not get from you but given the choice if I was near I would choose you because you are just the best. Dominance, skills, personality, intelligence, empathetic, fun, whatever else – the whole package.
@pk
You are older than me. Not sure by how much, though. Moshing definitely has it homoerotic undertones. Sometimes I think it’s what boys do cause they don’t know how to dance or do sport … it’s a good steam valve.
I like the primal approach. At the root of what you’re talking about here is just that simplicity: she leads, you follow, no?
Your comment re: the line I draw is telling. Perhaps Ms. Saskia is even righter than I thought. Or maybe you just push my buttons…
Figured you’d like that pic … there was another one I thought you’d like better that I’d share with you if you weren’t fading…. 😉
@anon
*sigh* You definitely deserve a reward for that bit of niceness! Thank you, darlin. The crazy part is that on paper I wouldn’t think we’d be a good match either … but we sure do manage to have some pretty good, intense … even blog-worthy! times. Maybe it’s cause the distance allows us to really appreciate each other … and in the meantime, you can get the fear and sadism itch expertly scratched elsewhere (just remember, I want to hear about those adventures!!).
Oh, heavens! When did I get so ellipsis crazy!?!
That post made me laugh, then emit a snort. It was fun, thanks. And hope you are enjoying these final days of summer!
Hey, I’m not that much older…anyway, looks like we’ve hit another case of self-denial, eh?
I’d like to create a different version of your website. It would start off with something like…
“A decidedly kinky and physically punishing bitch…” 😉
Not fair about the other pic comment. This is just another form of your cruelty is what that is. Besides, I have my own inventory of pics you’ve published that do me just fine thank you.
-xx
I know you can go verse for verse with me, but in the one verse can you not make the snow turn into rain! why does it always have to turn into rain?
Thought you may find this of interest..
http://www.wired.com/entertainment/music/news/2008/09/nin_show
@mas
What an awesome link! Thank you!
The video/lighting work for that show were simply phenomenal and definitely not anything my crappy CrackBerry camera could adequately capture. I’m really happy to see this piece. You rock!
One of the only pieces of internet journalism to stick with me over the years was a blogicle written by someone at Nerve, I think, about attending some BDSM retreat during which participants were allowed to perform a little exhibition at the end. Like summer camp talent show. Underwhelming hilarity ensued when the audience realized that two out of three dommes had separately choreographed their original works to “Closer.”
Or maybe that’s just how I want to remember it, because it was funny.